I'm a mess, but I don't think it's fair to throw this stuff at my real life friends, so writing it here instead.
Not that I think tumblr people deserve worse, just … people here know this stuff and aren’t afraid to touch on it I’ve noticed. ^_^
I’m afraid I totally over-wrote myself in my application, and now they expect me to be great, and I’m not, I’m more shy and anxious than I’ve been before in my life.
They haven’t called yet, and I’m sort of hoping they wont call again, but I’m also not, because I need a job this summer, and this one is convenient, and I think I could pull it of, but !!!!!
I’m not sure anymore I can do this job.
But I have to get a job, because if I don’t the consequences are worse.
I hate being scared of people. What on earth happened?! I have worked as a waitress before with no problems, I even liked it! But now my self esteem doesn’t exist anymore.
I also have no idea what I want to work with as a real job.
I used to want to do something like, tourist guide or flight attendant, but now I just want a job where there’s no risk of screwing up, and disappointing people.
Maybe I could clean at night, or deliver mail. God how depressing. But I need money.
And what on earth am I gonna do about this situation?
Should I avoid answering the phone? NO. Geesh Eilenna get a grip and grow up. But phone! - Scary…
Should I tell the interviewer that I’ve already got another job? Possibly, but… asdfghjkoiylik No that’s cowardly.
I know I have the ability to do it since I’ve done it before, but can I still do it with all this anxiety crap???
I try to tell myself other people arent perfect, they won’t expect me to be perfect, I need the money, I don’t need other people to like me (but it’s important to get good reccommendations, and of course it’s important to get other people to like me!)
But - when I had the job I was younger, and people had lower expectations. Now they’ll expect me to be happy and good with the customers, be able to handle the stress.
It’s like two voices.
Part of me trying to think positive, but the other part telling me all the reasons it’ll go to hell, all they ways it’ll go to hell, and how my life has no point, I’ll screw the job up, I’ll screw my life up, I’ll be dependent on other people if I cant find a job (I hate hate hate that thought) I can’t get any job, I suck too much, etc…. better to just be dead.
I’m just so scared people won’t like me, or that they’ll ask about my life (I don’t want to talk about my life, like, yeah hi, I was depressed for 4 years, and now I have really bad anxiety, and my mood goes up and down, plus some days I wish I was dead, and I worry about everything, but all’s peachy, how’re you :D”) I’m scared that I’ll get bad days and won’t be able to fake a smile, or just fake that I’m not worrying about everything, and hate myself, and feel like I’m being judged all the time, or that people’ll talk about me behind my back (but I shouldn’t care about that! but I do) or that people’ll think I’m weird because I’m so shy (if I don’t manage to relax enough to talk to people without wanting to sink through the ground). Plus I’m really not good looking, and I look like a kid, and what if people and what if I and what if major screw up, and what if my boss hates me, or thinks I do a bad job. What if I give people the wrong food, what if I’ll drop food on someone and embarrass the restaurant. Oh god.
But hey, it’s just a job, I won’t be there forever, there’ll be more waitresses than me working there (I hope? gotta find out). They’ll teach me everything (but I wrote in my application that i have experience!)
I might be able to do it, I might even enjoy it, and be good at it, and if I don’t give it a chance, I’ll never find out? And life’s all about taking chances, right? I mean, I have friends, so I can’t be totally unlikeable. I have some grades that aren’t awful, so I know I can do a god job and work hard. (Or could, maybe I can’t do anything anymore) And things are bad now, so they can only get better, right? And things have been better in the past. (Or have they? Maybe I sucked majorly, but didn’t realise it, and just thought I was allright. Maybe I can’t trust my own judgement. Maybe I’m seriously fucked up.)
So basically - can I - at least at first - pretend I’m happy and carefree, or at least, pretty darn normal, have the self esteem and know myself to give my best at work; for a couple of months, during the phone interview (Oh god, phone interview… #letmehideforever) - and hope that after a while, the anxiety will get better when I see I can do it, and maybe I’ll start believing in myself again?
Maybe I’ll even want to live and see a reason to live for myself instead of for other people, maybe I’ll get confidence enough to work as an au-pair abroad, or apply for something else exciting and totally terrifying that I’ve dreamed of doing?
Read through this and realizes I’m a freaking mess. But maybe other people are too? (Yeah, you tell yourself that Eilenna, you’re cute ^_^ …)
No one is perfect, gotta believe that, gotta believe whatever’ll get me through this.
Maybe I should face the facts that I’m better off living in a hole in the ground.
If it only were easier to work as a makeup artist. But - again - money. And potentially scary people. Nice people I’m totally fine with, but the scary ones… and you never know until you meet them. If I just think that other people are secretly fucked up, I’ll be fine, and god that is horrible. What kind of person am I?
It’s like, the anxiety is too bad for me to be able to tell myself everything’ll be alright. At least right now. And I don’t want to talk to people about it. Except I’ve told my sister, but she’s not really comfortable talking about stuff like this, and even though she tries, I don’t want to throw it at her, because it’s not fair to her, and I can see she’d rather not have to deal with it.
Reading through the ad again, I don’t think I’m actually qualified for the position, like, objectively not qualified. And I’m thinking there will probably be other jobs that won’t be as challenging. They want the person to have experience being cashier and being responsible for the money, I haven’t done that, and I think I’ll be the only waitress, and they want someone who can organize their own work, and I’ve never done that either, plus I don’t have an education. So, maybe I should hope they won’t pick me? And I guess I can always say no thanks even if I do get the job.
Ok, employers write that they want the perfect employee, but they don’t really expect perfection. If I say I have done it some in the past, but want to learn more, that would be ok, right? And that I can grow into it. And hopefully I won’t be alone. and I might not even get the job, so it’s silly to worry about what might happen.
But still feel paralyzed with fear just thinking about the phone interview. Urgh.
But I’m gonna do it. No matter what, and worse case scenario, I’ll say hi, and introduce myself, answer his questions (hopefully) and try to ask mine. Hope I won’t make a fool out of myself.
“The reason that conservative politicians can keep launching one attack after another against sexual freedom and reproductive rights without worrying about losing their base of straight white male support is that straight white men know they will never have to obey these laws. So they can feel free to posture about how terrible all this sex is and how it’s supposedly ruining “the family,” all while knowing that they are safe to keep having all the sex they want, even the kinky sex, without any real fear of being punished for it in the way that other people have to fear they will be.
With this law, the reason is obvious: Because of Lawrence v. Texas, the ban on oral sex in Louisiana is unenforceable. So this is purely a symbolic move, meant to shore up a general social disapproval of non-procreative sex. But, let’s be clear that social disapproval will be selectively applied. Straight men will continue to enjoy social support for having sex while their female partners are shamed for it.”—Straight White Men Don’t Have to Fear the Anti-Sex Political Crusade (via brutereason)
They are going to call about a job I’ve applied for, and I am so freaking nervous!!!
Doesn’t help that I hate talking on the phone with people I don’t know… urgh.
I really want this job, afraid they’re gonna think I sound like a nervous kid. My voice goes kinda high pitched and I talk fast like crazy when I’m nervous :/
Rubeus Remus Potter. You were named after the only two people at Hogwarts who seemed to give shit about me, because come on who else would I name you after? A verbally abusive dickbag who was in love with my mum and gave me shit all my life and someone who convinced a bunch of children that they needed to be soldiers? What kind of awful aspirations would that make you end up having? Come on son I’m not an idiot…
This is how to run a stick of Chapstick
down the black boxes on your scantron
so the grading machine skips the wrong
answers. This is how to honor roll. Hell,
this is how to National Honor Society.
This is being voted “Most Likely to Marry
for Money” or “Talks the Most, Says the
Least” for senior superlatives. This is
stepping around the kids having panic
attacks in the hallway. This is being the
kid having a panic attack in the hallway.
This is making the A with purple moons
stamped under both eyes. We had to try.
This is telling the ACT supervisor you have
ADHD to get extra time. Today, the average
high school student has the same anxiety
levels as the average 1950’s psychiatric
patient. We know the Pythagorean theorem
by heart, but short-circuit when asked
“How are you?” We don’t know. We don’t
know. That wasn’t on the study guide.
We usually know the answer, but rarely
“The years between eighteen and twenty-eight are the hardest, psychologically. It’s then you realize this is make or break, you no longer have the excuse of youth, and it is time to become an adult – but you are not ready.”—Helen Mirren (via mystiquel)
kindness is cooler than being a jerk. i like kind people way more than i like people who are butts, even though probably people who are butts have their own reasons for being a butt and it’s not like anyone is a butt 24/7 like sometimes you’re just off, yanno? sometimes i have been a butt. i am often a butt. where was i going with this. idk
i hate it when people equate being kind with being boring - kindness is hard, it requires emotional work and energy even when it’s relatively easy, and it’s often not easy at all
being kind =/= being nice; niceness has its uses, but being nice has nothing to do with ethics and everything to do with delicate social balancing. niceness is about not rocking the boat, smoothing things over, niceness can be brutal in its determination to sweep past inconveniences; you can be unjust and unfair and still manage a veneer of “niceness”; nice does not require kind, or vice versa
(I’ve met plenty of people who wouldn’t lift a finger to help you if you needed it but they observed all the social niceties when stepping aside, and it was somehow excusable that they were unkind at the core because they were nice about it; conversely I know people who are blunt and caustic who would help, every time, people who might not manage nice but would always, always try to be kind)
kindness requires exertion of the heart and soul, kindness will fucking cost you (and you might willingly pay, but there’s still a price, it doesn’t come easy or free), and that is really fucking difficult, why do people undersell it?
i’m not talking about flashy movie battles against supervillains, either; i’m talking about the cumulative effect of all the little things, the hundred small conscientious ways in which people take up stewardship and accountability for their communities, the quiet unglamorous tasks to minister unto others
i am so sick of our cultural obsession with brooding self-absorbed jerks; they’re not clever or cute and those stories don’t do shit for me, they don’t give me hope or strength or help, they just make me want to give up and not bother
but people who keep trying, who want to be as good as they know how (even if they sometimes suck at it), they give me hope
they’re fighting, too, but it’s not brooding antihero nihilism; it’s so much more interesting than that
kindness in the face of all the bad things is a giant glowing fuck you, it’s defiance in the darkness, it means looking at all the bullshit in the world and still deciding to love wholly and generously and ferociously
that stubborn furious struggle is so fucking fascinating