Eilenna

Apr 23

[video]

[video]

(via teenagerposts)

I’m a mess, but I don’t think it’s fair to throw this stuff at my real life friends, so writing it here instead.

Not that I think tumblr people deserve worse, just … people here know this stuff and aren’t afraid to touch on it I’ve noticed. ^_^

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I’m afraid I totally over-wrote myself in my application, and now they expect me to be great, and I’m not, I’m more shy and anxious than I’ve been before in my life.

They haven’t called yet, and I’m sort of hoping they wont call again, but I’m also not, because I need a job this summer, and this one is convenient, and I think I could pull it of, but !!!!!

I’m not sure anymore I can do this job.

But I have to get a job, because if I don’t the consequences are worse.

I hate being scared of people. What on earth happened?! I have worked as a waitress before with no problems, I even liked it! But now my self esteem doesn’t exist anymore.

I also have no idea what I want to work with as a real job.

I used to want to do something like, tourist guide or flight attendant, but now I just want a job where there’s no risk of screwing up, and disappointing people.

Maybe I could clean at night, or deliver mail. God how depressing. But I need money.

And what on earth am I gonna do about this situation?

Should I avoid answering the phone? NO. Geesh Eilenna get a grip and grow up. But phone! - Scary…

Should I tell the interviewer that I’ve already got another job? Possibly, but… asdfghjkoiylik No that’s cowardly.

I know I have the ability to do it since I’ve done it before, but can I still do it with all this anxiety crap???

I try to tell myself other people arent perfect, they won’t expect me to be perfect, I need the money, I don’t need other people to like me (but it’s important to get good reccommendations, and of course it’s important to get other people to like me!)

But - when I had the job I was younger, and people had lower expectations. Now they’ll expect me to be happy and good with the customers, be able to handle the stress.

It’s like two voices.

Part of me trying to think positive, but the other part telling me all the reasons it’ll go to hell, all they ways it’ll go to hell, and how my life has no point, I’ll screw the job up, I’ll screw my life up, I’ll be dependent on other people if I cant find a job (I hate hate hate that thought) I can’t get any job, I suck too much, etc…. better to just be dead.

I’m just so scared people won’t like me, or that they’ll ask about my life (I don’t want to talk about my life, like, yeah hi, I was depressed for 4 years, and now I have really bad anxiety, and my mood goes up and down, plus some days I wish I was dead, and I worry about everything, but all’s peachy, how’re you :D”) I’m scared that I’ll get bad days and won’t be able to fake a smile, or just fake that I’m not worrying about everything, and hate myself, and feel like I’m being judged all the time, or that people’ll talk about me behind my back (but I shouldn’t care about that! but I do) or that people’ll think I’m weird because I’m so shy (if I don’t manage to relax enough to talk to people without wanting to sink through the ground). Plus I’m really not good looking, and I look like a kid, and what if people and what if I and what if major screw up, and what if my boss hates me, or thinks I do a bad job. What if I give people the wrong food, what if I’ll drop food on someone and embarrass the restaurant. Oh god.

But hey, it’s just a job, I won’t be there forever, there’ll be more waitresses than me working there (I hope? gotta find out).
They’ll teach me everything (but I wrote in my application that i have experience!)


I might be able to do it, I might even enjoy it, and be good at it, and if I don’t give it a chance, I’ll never find out? And life’s all about taking chances, right? I mean, I have friends, so I can’t be totally unlikeable. I have some grades that aren’t awful, so I know I can do a god job and work hard. (Or could, maybe I can’t do anything anymore)
And things are bad now, so they can only get better, right? And things have been better in the past. (Or have they? Maybe I sucked majorly, but didn’t realise it, and just thought I was allright. Maybe I can’t trust my own judgement. Maybe I’m seriously fucked up.)

So basically - can I - at least at first - pretend I’m happy and carefree, or at least, pretty darn normal, have the self esteem and know myself to give my best at work; for a couple of months, during the phone interview (Oh god, phone interview… #letmehideforever) - and hope that after a while, the anxiety will get better when I see I can do it, and maybe I’ll start believing in myself again?


Maybe I’ll even want to live and see a reason to live for myself instead of for other people, maybe I’ll get confidence enough to work as an au-pair abroad, or apply for something else exciting and totally terrifying that I’ve dreamed of doing?


Read through this and realizes I’m a freaking mess.
But maybe other people are too? (Yeah, you tell yourself that Eilenna, you’re cute ^_^ …)


No one is perfect, gotta believe that, gotta believe whatever’ll get me through this.

Maybe I should face the facts that I’m better off living in a hole in the ground.

If it only were easier to work as a makeup artist. But - again - money. And potentially scary people. Nice people I’m totally fine with, but the scary ones… and you never know until you meet them.
If I just think that other people are secretly fucked up, I’ll be fine, and god that is horrible. What kind of person am I?

It’s like, the anxiety is too bad for me to be able to tell myself everything’ll be alright. At least right now. And I don’t want to talk to people about it. Except I’ve told my sister, but she’s not really comfortable talking about stuff like this, and even though she tries, I don’t want to throw it at her, because it’s not fair to her, and I can see she’d rather not have to deal with it.

Reading through the ad again, I don’t think I’m actually qualified for the position, like, objectively not qualified. And I’m thinking there will probably be other jobs that won’t be as challenging. They want the person to have experience being cashier and being responsible for the money, I haven’t done that, and I think I’ll be the only waitress, and they want someone who can organize their own work, and I’ve never done that either, plus I don’t have an education. So, maybe I should hope they won’t pick me? And I guess I can always say no thanks even if I do get the job.

Breathe Eilenna.

Ok, employers write that they want the perfect employee, but they don’t really expect perfection. If I say I have done it some in the past, but want to learn more, that would be ok, right? And that I can grow into it. And hopefully I won’t be alone. and I might not even get the job, so it’s silly to worry about what might happen.

—-

But still feel paralyzed with fear just thinking about the phone interview. Urgh.

But I’m gonna do it. No matter what, and worse case scenario, I’ll say hi, and introduce myself, answer his questions (hopefully) and try to ask mine. Hope I won’t make a fool out of myself. 

I’t gonna be fine.

Feel sick.

?

(Source: doctorjohnlock)

(via fucked-up-mind-and-soul)

Apr 22

[video]

“The reason that conservative politicians can keep launching one attack after another against sexual freedom and reproductive rights without worrying about losing their base of straight white male support is that straight white men know they will never have to obey these laws. So they can feel free to posture about how terrible all this sex is and how it’s supposedly ruining “the family,” all while knowing that they are safe to keep having all the sex they want, even the kinky sex, without any real fear of being punished for it in the way that other people have to fear they will be.

With this law, the reason is obvious: Because of Lawrence v. Texas, the ban on oral sex in Louisiana is unenforceable. So this is purely a symbolic move, meant to shore up a general social disapproval of non-procreative sex. But, let’s be clear that social disapproval will be selectively applied. Straight men will continue to enjoy social support for having sex while their female partners are shamed for it.” — Straight White Men Don’t Have to Fear the Anti-Sex Political Crusade (via brutereason)

(via comtessedebussy)

consulting-detective-with-a-box:

mirkwoodling:

when people dont like lord of the rings because the movies are ‘long’

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when people dont like lord of the rings because it  has ‘too much fighting’

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when people dont like lord of the rings

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people

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Lord of the Rings

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(via withmyfaceturnedtothesun)

(via venomia)