Eilenna

Posts tagged Personal

Just have to stay alive and try to move forward.

Social Anxiety

I have to make a phone call, but I’m too scared to be able to do it :(

I mean, technically, I know just what to say, and I know I can do it, I just CANT. Because I’m too scared. And it’s irrational, and stupid, and god I hate this! Like, I prepare what I’m gonna say, but then when I’m about to pick up the phone, I can’t even dial.

I have to make that call! It’s really important, and the person isn’t scary, he’s a friend of my parents. But I hate asking for things!

I’ve been considering writing an sms. But that’s so - impersonal! And it gives a bad impression. Like really bad.

asdfghjk! Hate this

What do I do???

You know how sometimes, you feel like you want to share who you are, thoughts, feelings, with people, but you just can’t seem to find the right words. You don’t reach each other. But then the right person comes along, and suddenly knowing the right words doesn’t matter anymore.

You can just say something silly, and look at each other, and in that, you both know each other. And if that isn’t rl magic… ^_^

God, mom, dad, can you not?

My parents watching a show on TV about fashion - and one lady who’s interviewed has a strong chin and a bass voice

Mom to dad: “It’s a dude, that girl”

Dad to Mom: “Yeah, you can see it”

It’s like… hopeless. At least mom nowadays only says “it was a pity about Freddy Mercury, he was such a great singer” instead of immediately adding “that he got AIDS because he was, you know… like that. He was such a great singer.” And that makes him ok. Like, yeah he was like that but hey, he was a great singer, so, he’s redeemable in her eyes or whatever.

I think (hope!) maybe she nowadays realizes that gays and trans people are born that way and it’s not because they want to be weird and corrupt Christian values.

Gahhhhh!

This is the 21st century. In Sweden! Admittedly, they live on the countryside, but…. for crying out loud

What I feel for my mother is somethting that’s very close to hate, I don’t know if that’s even ok to say let alone think, but I just had to…


I just try to bear it until I can find a job and get my own place.

And never - ever - am I becoming my mother when I get a child.

I’m an adult and she treats me with less respect than she would ANYone else.

Thank god I don’t care what she thinks or says anymore, so she can’t fuck me up more than she already has.

I’m my own person, and I’m in control of my life.

That’s apparently very hard for her to understand.

I’m 22 and I feel like everybody else my age are so much more grown up than me! Everybody seems to have it all figured out.

I’m scared of getting my first real job that’s not an extra job, scared that I won’t be professional enough or good at it enough -.-

And people study at uni - I don’t think I’m smart enough to do that! Like a real program not just a course.

It’s like, people turned 20 and then just woke up and they were adults. I mean - how? :/

But maybe everybody else aren’t as together as they seem…? :/

Basically I have really bad self-esteem.

Do you know any tips how to feel more secure?

(Basically I’m scared of everything….)

Dreams and inadequacies

One dream I have is to be au-pair in USA or Australia. But I’ve been reading a blog by a Swedish girl who was au-pair in NY, and it seems so difficult! Or… I’m not sure I’m the kind of person who’d make a good au-pair. I’m a bit shy, and a bit bad with directions, and I actually don’t have a lot of experience with kids. And I’m not super “hi I can talk to everybody!” kind of person…

But I’m friendly, and not that bad at English, although I’m not as good talking it as writing it or reading… and I like kids :) And I like traveling and seeing new places. But I’m not sure I’m fun enough; what if the kids thinks I’m boring and don’t like me? Or the parents thinks I’m not good enough -.-

I wish I was a more happy carefree outgoing person. and I wish I had some self confidence.

I talked to my sister. Life feels a little bit brighter.

She knows what I’m talking about ^_^

Basically I’m panicking about the future, and also panicking because of something mom said…

But my sister is/was also panicking about the future, and it’s just so great to talk to somebody who’s like, yeah, I feel ya bro :P

I feel like I’m living in a constant anxiety attack

I wish I remember how to feel exited about life

God, all the stuff you have to do

And now for some reason, I dread living alone

Everything I say feels wrong, like said by this really insecure person

Who am I?!

I basically hate myself and I just don’t know anything anymore

I feel like a freaking robot

I can’t do anything, I was going to bake yesterday, but instead I just started crying over my life and didn’t have any energy

Trying not to think, just do, not feel

I don’t want to feel like a victim, I don’t want to feel lonely

There are people! But I’m so scared. Scared that I’m a freak.

scared that nobody will ever love me

Scared that I’ll never get myself back on track

I want to be a really stable happy person, I don’t want to be so easily depressed and confused. 

I don’t want to have bad self esteem and bad self confidence

I don’t want to wake up every morning feeling like my life is going to hell, and that I’m a failure, I’m never gonna be good enough

I wish I was able to talk about it

I wish it would all go away

I wish I’d go all away

I don’t want to hurt anybody, but my family’s worried about me, and I hate myself for that

I wish it’d all just go away… all this pain

It feels like no point in doing anything anymore

Maybe I wasn’t supposed to live

I’m just gonna fail fail fail

And hurt my family

Have had some bad bad days.

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